Chris the Producer
Birth and Early Life Chris was born on June 6th, 006 as a response by the devil to God's new baby boy, Jesus H. Christ, who was sent to save the world. Conceived out of lust, adultery, wedlock and several other sodomistic conditions, Chris was truly the spawn of Satan. As Chris grew, he learned all of his father's sadistic methods for torturing the general public. From plagues of leprosy to castrations to waterboarding, Chris grew in his knowledge of evil. Chris's ultimate dream was, and still is, to "bring death, comdemnation and eternal suffering on all the pathetic masses." Following in his father's footsteps, Chris became a midlevel Roman ruler under the alias of Pontius Pilate. From there, his extensive list of atrocities on humankind precede him. Various Acts of Violence, Hate and Just Plain Naughtiness 0-100 A.D. Chris's first great atrocity on the race of man was the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. While the history books (Well the ones that end with the words "...and because of all the gays, on the 8th day God created the AK-47, and dyed all their clothes bright pink and easy to spot from a distance. The end. By Kletus Klimmer - Kampbell Jr. Jr. (PHD in Cheese Appreciation - University of Moosefart Wyoming.)" anyway) tell us the Jews were ultimately responsible for this brutal murder, the underlying cause truly was this abomination Chris. When Jesus first arrived on the synagogue circuit in his home of Nazareth, he expected an enormous welcome. However, following his speech about the crazy old loons from the Old Testaments and the Laws of Moses, Chris then proceeded to posses a member of the crowd who called for them to throw Jesus off of the town cliff. The village of Jews was quickly seized by a mob mentality and started a riot. After stoning a few people (no, NOT with marijuana), they came after Jesus. Jesus, being the slippery little devil that he was, avoided the crazed crowd and left for his next gig. In the following few years, Chris realized Jesus power over these stupid Jews. Seeing the futility of trying to break Jesus' spirit, Chris followed his father's old saying of "if you can't beat 'em, kill 'em." He then possesed the weaker Jews of the nation of Israel, the Levites. While Jesus could have easily destroyed the soldiers sent to arrest him, he was weakened by his recent case of Hematidrosis and could only muster enough power to heal a soldier's ear that was cut off by his reactionary disciple, Peter. He used the Jews' suceptibility to mob mentality to have Jesus hence executed. When Jesus was risen he lost confidence in his ability to commit acts of evil and resigned himself to Class A misdemeanors. 100-Present... A.D. Following these events, Chris was proud of himself and felt he deserved a gap year, before returning to screwing over the world. So he took a budget arc-ride to York (don't laugh it was the ibiza of the B.C. - A.D. crossover generation... wait your turn guys all things come back in stile). But unfortunately on his first day his underaged prostitute shat on his mini-stonehenge pop-up solar calender and he broke his wrist mounted sun-dial whilst punching her teeth out in rage. So unable to tell if his gap year was over he stayed in york raping nuns and writing songs for Olivia Newton John for several centuries until, by correctly estimating that at least two winters had past, he came to the conclusion that it had been at least one year, and decided to get back into the mainstream world-screwing business. He decided to hypnotise the worlds entire 7 billion population using subliminal messaging to create an entirely loyal slave army, with wish to invade heaven and piss in it's pool and then sneeze on the salad bar. To this end Chris had tom the super-producer exiled to the wastelands of Australia, and took his place. The Day the Fear Ended In 2010, a day that will go down in history, a brave soul told us we did not need be afraid anymore, uttering the amazing words: ::: Fuck you, Chris! And the sun shined the next day Chris Facts *Chris invented Ebaum's World. *Chris is the reason I don't know how magnets work. *Chris is the goalkeeper coach for the English football team. *Chris frequently issues super-injunctions when his friends make jokes about him. He also has them killed by his mafia contacts. *Chris grinds the bones of Englishmen to make his bread. *Chris is Rupert Murdoch's pet, and is requesting that he charge people to listen to the Bugle. *Chris is the examiner who gave me a U for writing factual bullshit in my GCSE History exam. **In fact, Chris is responsible for most of history. But only the bad bits. *Chris enforces the blockade on Gaza, against the will of the Israeli military. The U.S. vetoes all United Nations resolutions condemning his inhuman actions. *Tolkien based the character of Sauron on Chris. He later said in an interview on Fox News that he had downplayed some of the more evil and shocking aspects of Chris's character to prevent anyone reading about his exploits from going instantly mad. *Not content with his usual hobby of dunking seagulls in barrels of oil, Chris sabotaged a BP oil rig. *Chris once sucked all the protein out of a Rhino. *Chris is the reason "Firefly" was cancelled. *The critically acclaimed trilogy "High School Musical", known for its gritty portrayal of life in an American High School, and the stresses of unrealistic expectations of the youth of today in relation to the staging of a musical, was conceived and written by Chris. *Chris failed utterly to prevent the outbreak of WW2. *Chris' drug habit is the reason we pay taxes. *The character Avon Barksdale from The Wire is based on Chris *Chris supports Sarah Palin. He adores her as a politician, a role model and a woman. In fact, there is some speculation that he is actually her father - and therefore directly responsible for her existence. *Chris recently brought a pig back to Britain from a recent visit to Mexico. *Chris influences catholic priests to touch little boys. *Chris, not Helen, was responsible for the Trojan War. He chatted up Paris in a club, and the poor kid fell for his charms. Unfortunately Chris wasn't interested and Paris ended up staging the entire war as an outlet for his angst. *Chris hacked the Gmail accounts for China. *Chris is the reason that Bugle 128 was not upload correctly and Buglers had to wait until sunday to get it. *It was Chris who killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand and caused WW1. *Chris was Pat Robertson's former mentor. *Chris once attempted to fix a trade deficit with China by hooking the entire country on opium. That's right! Chris started the Opium Wars of the 19th century. *"Now I am become Chris, the destroyer of worlds." - Robert Oppenheimer. *Chris was special assistant to Joseph "Nothing to see here" Ratzinger when the latter was Archbishop of Munich and Freising. Do the children's cries keep you awake at night, Chris? I didn't think so. *Hey, Chris! Why'd you start this whole "global warming" thing? Making our planet hotter? Fuck you, man! *Chris has the heart of an angel... He keeps it in a jar on his desk. *Chris often preforms ice pick lobotomies from the back of his van. *Chris likes to trip old people and laugh in their face. *Chris was found dead in a cheap hotel room last year. He wore only three socks (none of them matching) and reports claim an orange had been stuffed into his mouth. He is now a zombie. A sick, sick zombie. *Chris is the lovechild of Nick Griffin and Carla Bruni. He gets his looks from dad, and his taste in French men from mum. *Chris enjoys destroying rainforests, being rude to underground staff, and organising coups in small to mid sized African nations. *Chris hates trumpets, never mind bugles. Can he really be trusted? *Chris is a fine chap...if you like Holocaust deniers. *Chris once led a bloodless coup in a southern African nation, then stole the country's rich platinum reserves and escaped, leaving the poor natives to fend for themselves. *Chris only calls his mother when he needs money. And he he doesn't even have the courtesy to ask how she's doing. *Chris once rented a baby to show off at one of the various high class events he's known to frequent and then broke its leg and sent it back for a refund. *Chris plays all the abusive parents in NSPCC adverts because he plays the part so well. *Chris is the reason The Beatles split up. *Chris convinced John to do "The Love Guru" instead of accepting the lead in "The Dark Knight" telling him that..."the Batman thing is over". *Chris voted for Bush in the 2004 election over 300 times. *Chris lists his hobbies as stamping on kittens, torching childrens hospitals, and telling 4 year olds that Father Christmas does not really exist. *Chris is an active member of Westboro Baptist Church. *Chris continues to donate to Rudi Giuliani's 2008 campaign. *Chris is the father of Nick Griffen *Chris travels on monthly expeditions to the polar ice caps with a flamethrower to speed up the effects of global warming. *Chris is the reason that Andy started the Audio Cryptic Crossword. *Chris is the reason that Andy discontinued the Audio Cryptic Crossword. *Chris is the reason that John disliked the Audio Cryptic Crossword *Chris hunted down former producer Tom and held him and his beautiful family hostage while he robbed them of their most treasured possessions, including a signed photo of Andy and a limited edition John Oliver sock. *Chris enjoys continuing the old Spartan tradition of leaving babies on the side of a mountain if they are deemed too weak. *Chris once attempted to teabag the Queen. *Chris' favourite hottie from History was Margaret Thatcher. *Whenever Chris buys groceries, he deliberately pays 10p less than the actual price in order to start an argument. *Chris always carries a knife. *Chris likes nothing more than watching endangered animals frolic freely and happily in their natural habitat in the African savannah... through the sight of his rifle. *Chris shot JFK. *Chris did NOT shoot John Lennon. However, when John Oliver was looking for a new flat in New York, Chris strongly urged him to move into the Dakota Building. *Zeus didn't rape Leda, it was Chris in a swan costume. (One for all you classicists out there.) *Chris impregnated Samantha Cameron, just to increase the likelihood of a conservative victory in the coming election, *Chris ordered the My Lai massacre. *Chris suggested Vladimir Putin should plant some new trees outside Smolensk airport. He just doesn't like the Poles. *Chris encouraged and then proceeded to plan the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. *Chris betrayed the Bay of Pigs invasion to the Cuban government for thirty pieces of silver. *Chris led the 268 American soldiers to their deaths at the Battle of Little Bighorn. *Chris has a tattoo that says, "I Don't Love Mom" *Chris is product of an orgy with all the cast members of the Jersey Shore. *"Smoke enough crack today Chris? Jesus man you are higher at six in the morning than most people are all year!" --Chris's mother, circa two days ago. *Chris has no reflection. *Chris is the reason we can't go to Mars. *Chris is covering up a massive Vatican sex scandal. *Chris rolls dwarves down hills, smiling and singing all the while. *Chris smokes two joints when he wakes up, then goes off and commits knife crime across greater London. *Chris teaches strict Creationism. *Chris runs and operates a fully functioning opium den. *Chris went back in time to watch Jesus die, just for kicks and giggles. He kicked Jesus and giggled like a little girl. *Chris donated a kidney to Osama bin Laden so that his reign of terror could continue. *Chris stole Andy's bin. *Chris killed Biggie and Tupac. *Chris hates cricket. *Chris sent a picture of his knob to Tony Hart with a note saying "Stick that in your gallery, you white haired bastard!" *Chris shot Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand, precipitating WW1. *Chris personally ended the Space Shuttle Program *Chris caused Andy and John had to take 4 weeks off in August 2010. Andy even went to Edinburgh to get away from him *Chris is the only known human to be both a right-wing extremist and a left-wing extremist. *Chris spends his Tuesday evenings giving cocaine-laced candy to the local children. *Chris was the iceberg which sunk the Titanic. *Chris hates everything you stand for. *Chris is the 'Europe' of producers. *Chris invented impalas, octopi and puppets. *Chris is the reason fish have no fingers, only invisible internal thumbs. Cook Books Chris recently produced a line of cook books. Highlights include an interesting Lobster dish where the lobster was replaced by an adorable baby kitten. A wonderful dessert is also featured, where the dreams of children are crushed into a pie crust. Category:People